Occasionally, however, I'm confronted with what I'm sure is one of those great teachable moments, and I have no idea what to do. And this is what happened today.
Last night, I stayed up too late needle-felting a small heart for each chick for Valentine's Day (yes, I had known for 364 days that another Valentine's Day was on its way...). These were my first needle felting projects and, while they are a little wonky and a little too thin, I was generally happy with them and excited to present them to the chicks.
Morning came, much too soon for an overly-tired needle-felting mama, and I gave each chick her Valentine's Day present: a felted heart and a chocolate ladybug. Both girls' eyes absolutely lit up at the sight of the hearts, and Ninna actually said "oooooooooh!" I was about to scribble this down on my mental list of parenting successes when Ninna realized that I was handing the lavender heart to Bojey and the fuchsia heart to her. Suddenly she was spouting projectile tears, horrified that I failed to get the memo that she had changed her favorite color to lavender at some point in the previous twelve hours. She continued to cry and refused the heart.
Now, I have to say that this is not typical Ninna behavior. It's really not. If it were, I probably would have been extremely annoyed. But this was clearly a bit of an emotional outburst by a four and a half year old. So I wasn't annoyed, but I was...I don't know what--confused? Yes, confused, I suppose, not so much about what was happening but about how to respond. I didn't really want to make a big deal out of it, but I had to do something.
I first nonchalantly asked Bojey if perhaps she wanted to trade, as if she were not fully aware of what was happening before her eyes. Bojey, being smart enough to know that she possessed the prize, informed us that she'd like to keep the lavender one, thank-you-very-much. Eventually some distraction presented itself, and we moved on to getting the chicks dressed.
A little while later, I decided to tell Ninna that during Bojey's nap, she and I would sit on the couch and I would needle felt her another heart while we had a conversation about gift-giving and receiving. What that pretty much boils down to is this: I still didn't have a great response, but I thought perhaps I'd get a lightening bolt of inspiration by the time Bojey's naptime rolled around.
Lunchtime came and went, I put Bojey down to sleep, and I sat down with Ninna, still waiting for the inspiration...and it never came. I think if I were reading a novel, or someone's autobiography, this would be one of those formative moments when the protagonist's mother opens her mouth and pearls of wisdom spill out, time stops, and we are all be better people for having been exposed to the sage words of this gentle, all-knowing matriarch.
Except it was me, overly-tired, sitting in front of a fake fireplace, pushing a pile of crap over to the other end of the couch so there was room to sit, plopping myself down and waiting for that matriarch to whisper those words in my ear so I could pass them on to Ninna. And she didn't, so I had to make them up.
I honestly don't even remember what I said because it really wasn't noteworthy. I mumbled something about how we thank people when they make things for us, not necessarily because we like the object, but because we appreciate the fact that they took the time to make something for us. The thing is, I don't want Ninna to think that she has to pretend to like something that she doesn't, or, worse still, that she has to try to force herself to actually like the thing. On the other hand, a little gratitude never hurt anyone.
I think, ultimately, the lesson for her ended up having nothing to do with what I was trying to convey. She was so thoroughly excited by the uninterrupted hour with me on the couch, while I was doing nothing but chatting with her and making her something, that the focus for her wasn't that she was learning a lesson, but that she was getting one-on-one time with mama. And, perhaps, a little bit of recognition that we deserve forgiveness even when we burst into tears when someone gives us a present.
Did I do the right thing? Did I do the wrong thing? I don't really know. When I thought about it later, I could envision parenting "experts" with opposing viewpoints finding equally viable flaws in my approach. Those who are even more focused than I on being sensitive to children's developmental expectations might not like my desire to teach this sort of gratitude and selflessness to one so young. On the flip side, those who are far more strict and conservative in their parenting views might think I was a pushover for making her a new present.
So I guess I feel OK right where I am, today. Right at my little point of parenting that seems to be successful, most of the time, for me and my chicks.
And with that, I say, Happy Valentine's Day! I hope your holiday teachable moments went smoothly ;).
14 comments:
You are asking great questions, and even if you don't have the answers yet, I think you are on the right track. I am pondering this predicament as well, because my 5-year-old has done the same thing with a gift--more than once. I think it's good to consult others for ideas; I'll be posing this question to my husband and perhaps another more experienced parent as well.
One thing I think I will try with my daughter is showing her the Christmas day scene in the movie Babe. The granddaughter cries when she sees the dollhouse her grandfather made for her. I think that the scene could foster some good discussion about gratitude and considering the feelings of others. Perhaps seeing the situation acted out by someone else could help my daughters consider their own attitudes.
I think you did wonderfully well! I'll try to remember your response next time I'm tempted to tell my children they're spoiled little brats for reacting rudely to a gift and that I'll take away all their toys until they learn to show a little gratitude! :)
I once gave a gift to my nephew that he didn't want and he became furiously angry, crying and screaming over it. I felt terribly, horibbly, painfully bad, but it was also a moment of learning for him, that people do/make things out of love and sometimes we don't need or want that thing. Learning this is hard when you're young, but it does need to be learned as it comes up all throughout life. I didn't go out and buy my nephew another gift; instead I gave him the opportunity to come to appreciate then or maybe later in his life that my gift came from a place of love and thoughtfulness. I don't think you did the wrong thing in making another heart, but in my case, I wouldn't have made another one. I would have used that Mama time to tell a story about why I made that red heart for her and what it meant to me to make it for her. To give her time to understand it's meaning and learn to love it for a reason other than its color. It is so hard for me to let my own son feel his own heartbreak, but I know that when I allow him to do that in my loving arms that he's learning something very important. And better there then elsewhere where it's not so empathic. As parents we want our children to feel good and appreciate what we do for them, so I can understand how torn you felt in this.
P.S. The hearts are beautiful, Jaimie. Glad to see you needlefelting!
Aiming--I'm glad to hear that someone else has experienced this. I was, frankly, a little surprised when it happened because we're not such a materialistic household, but you guys aren't either, so maybe it's developmental.
I love the idea of the movie. I haven't shown my girls movies yet, but this could easily be done with a story as well. I'll look for a story that exhibits this situation and if I can't find one, I'll make one up. Thanks for the inspiration!
Andrea--Ha--I reserve the toy-taking-away for when the toys are all over the floor and I'm tired of cleaning them all up and my helpers are suddenly "too tired" or "too busy"!
E--I agree that it wasn't necessarily the best of responses, but I did what seemed OK at the time. I did tell her that I would never do this again, and explained that we were having this time together to talk about what happened. I do feel, too, like she is young and this may sound dubious, but her response was a truly emotional one--it wasn't manipulation. That doesn't make it "OK," but it does, I think, temper my response to what happened. Four and a half can be a particularly emotional time, and I do think part of my job is to be sensitive to that.
With that said, I definitely have no interest in raising an ungrateful, selfish child, but thankfully, Ninna is actually extraordinarily grateful (most of the time) and empathetic, so I must have done something right at some point :).
And...I'm loving the needle-felting! Which is probably part of why I made another heart, hah! I think I'm going to get totally addicted to it.
Oh--and if you come across any oral tales (since I know you look at a lot of them) about a situation like this, please share.
E--I just read your comment again, and I'm not even sure I did to make her feel good--I think maybe there's a sibling element here. As I said--it was a little confusing, but now that I'm reflecting, I think part of it was this sibling thing where maybe she felt like her sister was getting the "better" one. Or something? I don't know. It's always a challenge deciding whether to give or make them something different, so they each have their own, or the same, so no one feels like they're getting the short end of the stick. Meh--they don't come with instructions for all these things!
E--one more thing, now that I'm commenting more on my own blog than I ever have before--I do like the idea of explaining to her why I made that heart. I think it's especially helpful that it was for Valentine's Day and that it's a heart--it sort of has a built-in theme going for it. I did tell her that I chose that bright fuschia because it reminded me of her--it was a bright, strong color. But I think going into a further discussion about why I made it is a great idea.
J - I wasn't trying to say that you didn't make the best of choices, rather I just wanted to share an alternative approach. Of course Ninna's response was emotional and I was just saying that you could be sensitive to that by loving her through the heartbreak/disappointment, rather than also making her a new heart. Maybe not then, but later on she might come to see the original heart as YOUR special gift to HER, rather than the better heart or the heart with the pretty color. Sometimes these things can take years to process for little ones, but they are seeds of compassion, learning, love, and gratitude that we can help plant for them.
Now my son totally fell apart the other day because I sliced a kiwi too small. I did peel another kiwi with large slices for him, saying oh no, we're not falling apart over kiwi size. Maybe I should have let him deal with the small pieces and be thankfull that I cut him a kiwi. Ha! I really just wanted to move on. :)
hi. you did what you felt it had to be done.
there's no right and no wrong.
and both hearts are beautiful.
:-)
E--I know you weren't saying it was wrong. And if I'm going to post my parenting struggles on the internet, I have to be prepared for a variety of response! Anyway, I'm not necessarily convinced myself that I made the optimum choice, but what's done is done. And oh, I've been there with the cutting of the fruit in the wrong size. What's funny is I'm less inclined to give a new kiwi than I would be to make a new heart!
singlemama--thanks! I had a lot of fun making them. I don't know if you've ever needle felted before, but it's so fun and simple--you basically poke wool with a needle a million times :).
Those hearts are really neat! I think I might have done what you did in this situation - and still questioned the reaction. But isn't the questioning part of being a parent?
Been there. Done that. Sometimes I find myself giving an "inspirational talk" and can see Elise's eyes glaze. I really do think - like you found - that the teachable moments are unexpected and often come in the form of something you were not planning for. So glad you had the time and were able to make things better w/ N. And for what it's worth, that stuff happens alllllll the time at our house; girls! :)
Laurie
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